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Yesterday & beyond........
December
HOLIDAYS
MADE IT!!
"We" had a very nice Christmas and I hope the season has been kind to you as well! I do believe it is all about the children, and this is where my
focus remains.
Doing the sugar thing - not real happy about that...
Did someone say "limbo" - been there done that.. again... again... again...
I'm thinking, see you next year!
Experienced some difficulty opening up (sounds like a personal problem to me - I couldn't resist that one!) this sitebuilder. I thought that maybe I
had lost the program.
Wonderful day spent exploring with the kids yesterday... From the peak we could see the Pacific Ocean on one side, and the Santa Ynez Valley on
the other... Cool! Still stuck with a lingering cold... Lethargic and grumpy... Watched the Fantastic 4 on DVD... The graveyard shift is almost
history... I'd like to see King Kong but not by myself....
I have some good photos to add to the site; looks like another page is in order - tomorrow... tomorrow..
Merry Christmas!!!
ARCHIVES
The "Archives" page is set up. 2 hours of time to set up a page that visits almost a year of "MY TIME"......... and the "season" is here - yes, I can feel
it. Haven't really wanted to look at, or rather study my emotional "gauge", but I'm guessing it's in a good place - which of course is GOOD. I have
ordered all the children's Christmas presents (on-line) and that was a joyful experience...... hummmmmmm? And I'm already "Resoluting" for next
year (lol).... What's new - I may as well take on 2007 while I'm at it!
I'm "missed" at church - It's the, I'm not worthy thing! I don't want to get DEEP..... Superficial me - look out! I do with my heart wish peace and
contentment to all people in and out of my life - and I am truly sorry if I have ever caused you sadness....
One word - sore! The body is "troubled"...
I thought I'd add a picture: Anacapa Island (now located in "photography" section). We (the kids and I) were treated to a zip across the channel last
Saturday - what a wonderful sea-trip!
I've ran out of space on this page (much filler) and now must consider "archiving". Is that an "old age" thing? Don't what to chew on that one!
Or maybe I'll just clam up - like that is going to happen.
The kids are doing well in school; and life moves along ..............
Oh - and I'm not the "fountainhead" (thank you)
(Visit the Archives page for "My Time" history)
Relaxed
I'm relaxed....... whew!
There's someone I'm trying to get a hold of.
You just never do know - but this; everyday counts, and the brilliance of a new day's dawning is inspiring!
Painting has taken a backseat to sleep and recovery (physical - thank you!) ha ha.. But the canvas waits patiently.
I just noticed that I've been "hummmmmming" along lately (lol).
November
Realities - One word: YUCK!
Isn't it just the best to be told?
- Yet, in a nice way.
Because that is what we "like".
Sometimes what we "like" is just that.
........hummmmmmm
October
My fingers (tips) are not in very good shape - hazards of the trade. The "job"? hummmm - I sense short story material (stay tuned for this).
I love my children - as they are pure joy.
I could get "deep". Do I want to? Do I have the energy?
NO
I had a wonderful weekend - really did! Breakfast with my father; a nice run with a friend; workout at the gym.....
Started the "portrait"
After another day at the "office", back to being sore again...
I am a sore caballero! Started the new job on Monday and must now know what it feels like to suit up and play on "Sunday's". It's a night job and
I've been getting to sleep at around 2:30-3:30am. My mind is simply compelled to wake my body up after no more that six hours regardless. But the
big news is? HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMMIE!! 93 today. And even though she doesn't "know" who I am these days (that "man"), she still has a
smile and a "I love you too".
Dressed in smiles
and showing off happiness
Do not touch me -
but she does........
Begin training for 1/2 marathon tomorrow (that's the "plan" - moved up a day)
Goodbye September - I'll miss you!!
September
Happy Birthday my Brother......
Got to love this quote from my son to me last night as we were doing homework. "I thought you were good at math?" (he's in 3rd grade).
Just a quick "hello". I've been neglectful, and I'm sorry about that!
I haven't been keeping up with my prayers either.
Things must be going well?
I've met a lot of people over this keyboard of mine. I'm still digesting things
"Feelings are personal, and our own living truth" (Not my quote - that I can remember...lol)
Father/Daughter's day ROCK!
"Why are you doing this?" she asks?
Summertime
I found an Angel
"I'm sorry, there's too much of an age difference"
Getting darker sooner .... The full moon on Friday was brilliant!
Going "home". Back to see "family".
Maybe not Peace & Contentment - but JOY for sure!
Know me? Know myself?
"You may never love me again - but you will know me",
I've got to believe that there was something there?
Passing me in the "fast lane" the other day - she had the handset and he had the headset - Just cruising along
A "note"
I wrote a "note", and 5% of the content pertained to a certain topic and the rest (95%) didn't. I received a reply in response to my "note"; 95% of that
content pertained to my 5%? Does that mean the 95% of my note that was 5% addressed qualifies as insignificant FILLER!! Oh, but she is sorry
for my anger and my sadness (5%) - thanks.
Time on my side?
With these blasted summer days and light until well past “night time!” How is one supposed to curl up in a bed of tormented thoughts and get some
well deserved peace and quiet? How is this, my body – limp, tender, sore, borderline exhausted; my mind - racing along with nowhere to go and
astonishingly insubordinate! Why cannot I just wave the flag/dirty sock, give up and pass out?
These days are slow going indeed! Is it because I now process a very limited carousel of thoughts? Yes, a carousel with only say, six – eight
things. For the sake of further psychological review, let us make these things five ponies, an alligator, a “head in the sand” - uh, what the hell? Oh,
Ostrich! And a Jackalope (got to love the bunny with horns). And that makes eight things for those counting along. But it is a very small carousel,
strike that! It is a standard size carousel but with about ten percent of the standard things. And the things do not do much now do they? But the
music does, it provides the means to drive you loony! We will contemplate this form of “amusement torture” at another time, and most likely at the
“home”. But getting back to my mind and the slowness of time, yes, it is because I just think the same limited thoughts over and over – “round and
round” – again and again…… This my friend will really slow that tick-tock down. And true too, time does go slower when you are not in the best of
spirits! Not to say one could not think limited carousel thoughts over and over and not be in a state of enjoyment I suppose?
TWO Things - A Dove posing on a high-line yesterday during a "Mission reverse loop" - walk (I was contemplating doing an abstract painting as a
wedding present featuring Doves in romance as the theme, but had difficulty picturing the Dove's head size in relationship to its body - thank you!);
and I swear, a Red Winged Blackbird streaked directly above my car windshield today on my way back home. The bird was black and had glimpses
of red on the tip of each wing!
Not going to get into the dream I had very early this morning. If you really want to know, ask my "witness".
"FILLER"
Quote from my "Birth-mate", who is going through a break up.
"A broken heart gets tired"
NEWS FLASH: "Souldrop"
My daughter provided the quote of the day, "Get over it dad!"
(ouch! -lol)
But please, when there is room in your heart for me, let me know would ya?
Church Bells a ringin! When will I get down on my knees and pray?
No more denial, but the sadness lingers
"There will be no reconciliation" *(reconcile: 1 to make friendly again) * Websters New World Dictionary
KABOOM!
Still smarting from the 4th. Some days or events for better or worse, become "life markers".
Here's the kicker - I tell my old Boss, "yesterday was one of the loneliest days of my life". July 4th without my children/family - not invited; left alone to
be tormented by assorted explosions and a freaked out German Shepard.
He says, "I was alone too and loved it!"
Touche
Venus
Caught some rays with an old friend - from "Venus"
Looking good!
December
HOLIDAYS
MADE IT!!
"We" had a very nice Christmas and I hope the season has been kind to you as well! I do believe it is all about the children, and this is where my
focus remains.
Doing the sugar thing - not real happy about that...
Did someone say "limbo" - been there done that.. again... again... again...
I'm thinking, see you next year!
Experienced some difficulty opening up (sounds like a personal problem to me - I couldn't resist that one!) this sitebuilder. I thought that maybe I
had lost the program.
Wonderful day spent exploring with the kids yesterday... From the peak we could see the Pacific Ocean on one side, and the Santa Ynez Valley on
the other... Cool! Still stuck with a lingering cold... Lethargic and grumpy... Watched the Fantastic 4 on DVD... The graveyard shift is almost
history... I'd like to see King Kong but not by myself....
I have some good photos to add to the site; looks like another page is in order - tomorrow... tomorrow..
Merry Christmas!!!
ARCHIVES
The "Archives" page is set up. 2 hours of time to set up a page that visits almost a year of "MY TIME"......... and the "season" is here - yes, I can feel
it. Haven't really wanted to look at, or rather study my emotional "gauge", but I'm guessing it's in a good place - which of course is GOOD. I have
ordered all the children's Christmas presents (on-line) and that was a joyful experience...... hummmmmmm? And I'm already "Resoluting" for next
year (lol).... What's new - I may as well take on 2007 while I'm at it!
I'm "missed" at church - It's the, I'm not worthy thing! I don't want to get DEEP..... Superficial me - look out! I do with my heart wish peace and
contentment to all people in and out of my life - and I am truly sorry if I have ever caused you sadness....
One word - sore! The body is "troubled"...
I thought I'd add a picture: Anacapa Island (now located in "photography" section). We (the kids and I) were treated to a zip across the channel last
Saturday - what a wonderful sea-trip!
I've ran out of space on this page (much filler) and now must consider "archiving". Is that an "old age" thing? Don't what to chew on that one!
Or maybe I'll just clam up - like that is going to happen.
The kids are doing well in school; and life moves along ..............
Oh - and I'm not the "fountainhead" (thank you)
(Visit the Archives page for "My Time" history)
Relaxed
I'm relaxed....... whew!
There's someone I'm trying to get a hold of.
You just never do know - but this; everyday counts, and the brilliance of a new day's dawning is inspiring!
Painting has taken a backseat to sleep and recovery (physical - thank you!) ha ha.. But the canvas waits patiently.
I just noticed that I've been "hummmmmming" along lately (lol).
November
Realities - One word: YUCK!
Isn't it just the best to be told?
- Yet, in a nice way.
Because that is what we "like".
Sometimes what we "like" is just that.
........hummmmmmm
October
My fingers (tips) are not in very good shape - hazards of the trade. The "job"? hummmm - I sense short story material (stay tuned for this).
I love my children - as they are pure joy.
I could get "deep". Do I want to? Do I have the energy?
NO
I had a wonderful weekend - really did! Breakfast with my father; a nice run with a friend; workout at the gym.....
Started the "portrait"
After another day at the "office", back to being sore again...
I am a sore caballero! Started the new job on Monday and must now know what it feels like to suit up and play on "Sunday's". It's a night job and
I've been getting to sleep at around 2:30-3:30am. My mind is simply compelled to wake my body up after no more that six hours regardless. But the
big news is? HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMMIE!! 93 today. And even though she doesn't "know" who I am these days (that "man"), she still has a
smile and a "I love you too".
Dressed in smiles
and showing off happiness
Do not touch me -
but she does........
Begin training for 1/2 marathon tomorrow (that's the "plan" - moved up a day)
Goodbye September - I'll miss you!!
September
Happy Birthday my Brother......
Got to love this quote from my son to me last night as we were doing homework. "I thought you were good at math?" (he's in 3rd grade).
Just a quick "hello". I've been neglectful, and I'm sorry about that!
I haven't been keeping up with my prayers either.
Things must be going well?
I've met a lot of people over this keyboard of mine. I'm still digesting things
"Feelings are personal, and our own living truth" (Not my quote - that I can remember...lol)
Father/Daughter's day ROCK!
"Why are you doing this?" she asks?
Summertime
I found an Angel
"I'm sorry, there's too much of an age difference"
Getting darker sooner .... The full moon on Friday was brilliant!
Going "home". Back to see "family".
Maybe not Peace & Contentment - but JOY for sure!
Know me? Know myself?
"You may never love me again - but you will know me",
I've got to believe that there was something there?
Passing me in the "fast lane" the other day - she had the handset and he had the headset - Just cruising along
A "note"
I wrote a "note", and 5% of the content pertained to a certain topic and the rest (95%) didn't. I received a reply in response to my "note"; 95% of that
content pertained to my 5%? Does that mean the 95% of my note that was 5% addressed qualifies as insignificant FILLER!! Oh, but she is sorry
for my anger and my sadness (5%) - thanks.
Time on my side?
With these blasted summer days and light until well past “night time!” How is one supposed to curl up in a bed of tormented thoughts and get some
well deserved peace and quiet? How is this, my body – limp, tender, sore, borderline exhausted; my mind - racing along with nowhere to go and
astonishingly insubordinate! Why cannot I just wave the flag/dirty sock, give up and pass out?
These days are slow going indeed! Is it because I now process a very limited carousel of thoughts? Yes, a carousel with only say, six – eight
things. For the sake of further psychological review, let us make these things five ponies, an alligator, a “head in the sand” - uh, what the hell? Oh,
Ostrich! And a Jackalope (got to love the bunny with horns). And that makes eight things for those counting along. But it is a very small carousel,
strike that! It is a standard size carousel but with about ten percent of the standard things. And the things do not do much now do they? But the
music does, it provides the means to drive you loony! We will contemplate this form of “amusement torture” at another time, and most likely at the
“home”. But getting back to my mind and the slowness of time, yes, it is because I just think the same limited thoughts over and over – “round and
round” – again and again…… This my friend will really slow that tick-tock down. And true too, time does go slower when you are not in the best of
spirits! Not to say one could not think limited carousel thoughts over and over and not be in a state of enjoyment I suppose?
TWO Things - A Dove posing on a high-line yesterday during a "Mission reverse loop" - walk (I was contemplating doing an abstract painting as a
wedding present featuring Doves in romance as the theme, but had difficulty picturing the Dove's head size in relationship to its body - thank you!);
and I swear, a Red Winged Blackbird streaked directly above my car windshield today on my way back home. The bird was black and had glimpses
of red on the tip of each wing!
Not going to get into the dream I had very early this morning. If you really want to know, ask my "witness".
"FILLER"
Quote from my "Birth-mate", who is going through a break up.
"A broken heart gets tired"
NEWS FLASH: "Souldrop"
My daughter provided the quote of the day, "Get over it dad!"
(ouch! -lol)
But please, when there is room in your heart for me, let me know would ya?
Church Bells a ringin! When will I get down on my knees and pray?
No more denial, but the sadness lingers
"There will be no reconciliation" *(reconcile: 1 to make friendly again) * Websters New World Dictionary
KABOOM!
Still smarting from the 4th. Some days or events for better or worse, become "life markers".
Here's the kicker - I tell my old Boss, "yesterday was one of the loneliest days of my life". July 4th without my children/family - not invited; left alone to
be tormented by assorted explosions and a freaked out German Shepard.
He says, "I was alone too and loved it!"
Touche
Venus
Caught some rays with an old friend - from "Venus"
Looking good!
She looked fantastic and more! Radiant would be a good description right off the top. Which brings me to love (again): in; out; almost, too little; too
much; too bad..... To feel a love with so much heat, it's quite incredible! How in the hell are you to control such a phenomenon? And her grace,
poise - I'm all tied up inside. But the good news is, it's not a double knot; and I appreciate it for "it". I don't envy, regret, despise or even worship it. I
marvel in it! A true reflection of a beauty born and nourished from the inside. And I took it all in through eyes that were not clouded by thoughts of
discontent. The heat was not brought on by negative emotion - anger/frustration, but by love. And I welcomed the gentle heat inside to warm my
cold
and broken heart. It was then that I settled into a place of comfort. It was then that it came to me; how could I and why would I, knowingly hurt the
one
I love? It does not have to be that way, I answered ............ Love is the beauty - love is to be cared for.
Springtime
Hangin in there
Said our "goodbyes" to the counselor today. My my how time does pass; and yet only time
as my feelings of loss remain ever present.
"You hang in there!".
OK, I'll hang in there - I'll just hang in there.
Unfortunately, My glimmer of hope did not make an appearance this session, as has been the case for every session these past 21 months - and
that's why there ain't going to be another session.......
Maybe a couple of years down the road. Maybe in a couple of years the fence will not be so tall
and we will be able to see/reach each other more easily; without the risk of emotional injury that this huge fence presents to us now.
In the meantime, I'll just hang in there.
"Filler"
I've re-read "my time", made some changes and did some more of that thinking thing. Talk the talk and walk the walk; that's what I came away with.
When you boil it all down, what are you left with? And it seems no matter how careful you are with the "boil", what's left ain't exactly going to change
now is it?
And is it true that over exposure can contribute to serious health consequences?
much; too bad..... To feel a love with so much heat, it's quite incredible! How in the hell are you to control such a phenomenon? And her grace,
poise - I'm all tied up inside. But the good news is, it's not a double knot; and I appreciate it for "it". I don't envy, regret, despise or even worship it. I
marvel in it! A true reflection of a beauty born and nourished from the inside. And I took it all in through eyes that were not clouded by thoughts of
discontent. The heat was not brought on by negative emotion - anger/frustration, but by love. And I welcomed the gentle heat inside to warm my
cold
and broken heart. It was then that I settled into a place of comfort. It was then that it came to me; how could I and why would I, knowingly hurt the
one
I love? It does not have to be that way, I answered ............ Love is the beauty - love is to be cared for.
Springtime
Hangin in there
Said our "goodbyes" to the counselor today. My my how time does pass; and yet only time
as my feelings of loss remain ever present.
"You hang in there!".
OK, I'll hang in there - I'll just hang in there.
Unfortunately, My glimmer of hope did not make an appearance this session, as has been the case for every session these past 21 months - and
that's why there ain't going to be another session.......
Maybe a couple of years down the road. Maybe in a couple of years the fence will not be so tall
and we will be able to see/reach each other more easily; without the risk of emotional injury that this huge fence presents to us now.
In the meantime, I'll just hang in there.
"Filler"
I've re-read "my time", made some changes and did some more of that thinking thing. Talk the talk and walk the walk; that's what I came away with.
When you boil it all down, what are you left with? And it seems no matter how careful you are with the "boil", what's left ain't exactly going to change
now is it?
And is it true that over exposure can contribute to serious health consequences?
I miss my family.
Puzzled
How do I feel? I guess that’s a fair enough question. Anxious is good. Anxious is real good! I feel a sense of déjà vu. Another chance?
Opportunity?
Alright I’ll say it, “life is a puzzle”. Because I choose to scatter my thoughts like dandelion parachutes in the wind, I sometimes have many unfinsihed
puzzles; and they are in many places, in many rooms. It all comes back to that sense of déjà vu. Could it be that I have simply made it back to a
puzzle that I had been working on before?
It seems all too familiar!
I know now that a big chunk of the puzzle is simply not there and never will be. Sometimes the puzzle just does not have all the pieces. It was a bitch
for me when the mad search began! I have to accept there are pieces I will never find; they were never made - never existed. The puzzle is never
complete.
Hodgepodge (more "filler")
I like this!
“it got dark, and the day was lost”……..
Now, where are my glasses?
I haven't seen her in almost a week, however she visits me often in my thoughts.
How much is love, and how much is loss?
As I was standing above the toilet early this morning, leaning heavily on the towel rack for support. I couldn't help but think during that time of relief
- there I was "alone". Yes, no one would be listening to my waterfall today and probably not tomorrow, and most likely not the next day and so on. I
have lost my bathroom witness, I am truly divorced!
What is it a “good” day for? Is the day in charge here, or do I have a say in it? I know the birds have been singing since just before sunrise. Has
the day instructed them on which songs to sing? OK, It’s probably like - It’s a warming up, clear and calm day today, let’s get out song book G42B
“thank you for the beautiful day” and spread the love……
Do I hear the love? Do I feel the love?
I “shared” last night that I feel the love that my daughter lavishes upon me. Yes she does! It’s very cliché! A warm blanket on an evening chill; 2
scoops of premium ice cream with toasted nuts: a bear hug…….
Oh, and now the heater kicks on! Freeze my ass off all night long and NOW the heater kicks on? Who’s out to get me today? What does the day
have in for me today?
The day is gone. In fact, many days have passed and many times the towel rack has been my support since I last visited “My Time”. It is night;
solidly night. And it is calm and quiet on all fronts. Only the sound of a jet airliner somewhere deep in the thickness of the black can I hear. That is,
outside of the tapping sound that splatters upon the notebook’s keypad. And I listen to its music, yes music! Soothing, calm and steady music when
my mind enjoys rare moments of clarity; then without warning garbage ragtime as I become confused, disjointed and most likely a backtracking SOB.
Does that make sense?
Does that make sense?
And the kindly therapist finished with,
“So Mr. Hunkerstein“
“Yes”
“Does that make sense? “
“Sure” Mr. Hunkerstein replied, although his mind was a million miles away.........
“Sideways
Not going to get into the DVD that I watched prompting this dream of mine, but here’s a scene from the dream.
I’m sitting at a table with another person, and we are taste testing non-alcoholic whiskeys! It’s amazing. We swirl, smell, tip and sip the stuff. I
suddenly pause and look over at my fellow sampler and say, “there’s something unnerving about this”.
Friend - “Witness”
I have a friend who is also known as my “witness”. She is what I describe as a "dangerous proposition", someone blessed with the big 3 - beauty,
brains and humor. She lives on the other side of the country now, and for the most part serves as a receptacle for my thoughts - new and recycled. I
write to her in journal form. Our relationship is curious. Before she moved we would go to a movie and then dinner. She is as I said a beauty, and
in so many ways!
And with that I am able to revive the smell of the perfume that she wore on those nights that we would go out. With her it was always sight and
smell, yet never an advancing touch. Although, I believe we have “touched” each other.
A couple "Witness-isms"
"You will find the person you are meant to be with, but you are not going to find her here!"
"Whatever you were thinking -
it is not what you were thinking".
What is it that I’m thinking?
OK thoughts! Line up and look “smart” you hear - do you hear?!
< On this one, picture a “basic training” scene where the drill sergeant is reviewing the recruits>
OK Thought #1, you ain’t number one you’re a mess, a total disgrace, what the hell where you thinking?! And Thought #2, I don’t believe you can
think? Thought #3 what do you have to think about this?
All the “thoughts” are lined up alright, but they haven’t a clue to what they are thinking………..
Jealousy the shadow of greed
I’m fighting that “greedy” feeling baby! Get out - Get the hell out, ya here! Talk about a weed that would choke out all that is beautiful; all that is
fruitful. The potential is obvious, as the weed gains strength, the beauty remains translucent and fragile; the fruit, small, immature and bitter!
Motivation
Motivation has escaped me, and it seems a though I am not in any big hurry to track it down!
Ambition
What a strong word - ambition. But then again, words ending in tion generally carry a bit more bite? Screw it! I’m looking up the definition.
Ambition: *1) a strong desire for fame, power, etc. 2) the thing so desired. Actually, this is not what I had in mind. But wait! Look here at
AMBITIOUS: 2) Demanding great effort *definitions courtesy of “Webster‘s “. I know what you’re thinking; there He goes into “filler” mode. Give me a
break! If you haven’t figured this out by now, this web page is all about “filler”. It’s My Time and welcome to it! Alright then - now I’m really spinning,
because it sure as hell shouldn't take any “great effort” to sort my time in a positive manner; freshen myself up and tug up a fresh pair of undies.
Great effort I’ll show you!
Fragile
Time out for a word that is clear to my understanding and with that conjures up many things: realities, beauty, balance…..etc…I do sense my mind to
be settling into a fragile state. A realm of doubt and fa fa fa fa fear (and the “Cowardly Lion” once again makes a cameo appearance across my
wide screen psyche). Interesting how a body can be strengthened with a combination of proper diet, exercise and determination; so too the mind –
yes? Yet, the mind is not so easily manipulated as the flesh, bones, and all the compliments enclosed in the body that carries the “thinker”; pressure
cooker; noodle (the kitchen theme is working - no?)….. The mind can run away! I feel like my body is trying to catch up to my mind. Not catch up
with, as this is far too risky and I would probably boil over at some point. I just want to get up there next to it long enough to put a lasso around it,
and back it down to an easy trot.
Different paths
We have been, are and will be forever challenged to find our place together. We walk down different paths now, no longer hand in hand but still
bound by family. The tears flow free as I watch you travel further away from the path where I stand, and know you less as my forever love - to know
you less as a person.
It often seems as a dream (Leave it to me to ignore the "realities" time and time again).
Reality did break through for a time late last night, as I was struggling to find the "right" words. Yes, a moment of clarity! I came to the
understanding that a lot of the pain and sadness I feel is a postpartum/delayed re-action from not one divorce, but two; my parents and now ours.
I'm feeling not only the sadness and abandonment of a child who grew up through the separation of his parents, but now the guilt of letting it happen
again. And odd as it may seem, when I think of the friendship/relatiofriendships that are in your life, I flash back to my mother and the suitors that
were in her life as a single mother. Strange? But I'm telling you my parent's divorce screwed me up more than I ever knew. Definitely a
component in the bomb I planted under our marriage.
I must stay focused on doing my "best" . I must re-dedicate myself to the well-being of our children. And I must have faith in a friendship
between you and me; for even though our paths are not the same, we must not travel too far away that our voices cannot me heard, or our
feelings not cared for.
I pray for the courage to accept the things that I cannot change ("serenity" may or may not come later)
Love -
Puzzled
How do I feel? I guess that’s a fair enough question. Anxious is good. Anxious is real good! I feel a sense of déjà vu. Another chance?
Opportunity?
Alright I’ll say it, “life is a puzzle”. Because I choose to scatter my thoughts like dandelion parachutes in the wind, I sometimes have many unfinsihed
puzzles; and they are in many places, in many rooms. It all comes back to that sense of déjà vu. Could it be that I have simply made it back to a
puzzle that I had been working on before?
It seems all too familiar!
I know now that a big chunk of the puzzle is simply not there and never will be. Sometimes the puzzle just does not have all the pieces. It was a bitch
for me when the mad search began! I have to accept there are pieces I will never find; they were never made - never existed. The puzzle is never
complete.
Hodgepodge (more "filler")
I like this!
“it got dark, and the day was lost”……..
Now, where are my glasses?
I haven't seen her in almost a week, however she visits me often in my thoughts.
How much is love, and how much is loss?
As I was standing above the toilet early this morning, leaning heavily on the towel rack for support. I couldn't help but think during that time of relief
- there I was "alone". Yes, no one would be listening to my waterfall today and probably not tomorrow, and most likely not the next day and so on. I
have lost my bathroom witness, I am truly divorced!
What is it a “good” day for? Is the day in charge here, or do I have a say in it? I know the birds have been singing since just before sunrise. Has
the day instructed them on which songs to sing? OK, It’s probably like - It’s a warming up, clear and calm day today, let’s get out song book G42B
“thank you for the beautiful day” and spread the love……
Do I hear the love? Do I feel the love?
I “shared” last night that I feel the love that my daughter lavishes upon me. Yes she does! It’s very cliché! A warm blanket on an evening chill; 2
scoops of premium ice cream with toasted nuts: a bear hug…….
Oh, and now the heater kicks on! Freeze my ass off all night long and NOW the heater kicks on? Who’s out to get me today? What does the day
have in for me today?
The day is gone. In fact, many days have passed and many times the towel rack has been my support since I last visited “My Time”. It is night;
solidly night. And it is calm and quiet on all fronts. Only the sound of a jet airliner somewhere deep in the thickness of the black can I hear. That is,
outside of the tapping sound that splatters upon the notebook’s keypad. And I listen to its music, yes music! Soothing, calm and steady music when
my mind enjoys rare moments of clarity; then without warning garbage ragtime as I become confused, disjointed and most likely a backtracking SOB.
Does that make sense?
Does that make sense?
And the kindly therapist finished with,
“So Mr. Hunkerstein“
“Yes”
“Does that make sense? “
“Sure” Mr. Hunkerstein replied, although his mind was a million miles away.........
“Sideways
Not going to get into the DVD that I watched prompting this dream of mine, but here’s a scene from the dream.
I’m sitting at a table with another person, and we are taste testing non-alcoholic whiskeys! It’s amazing. We swirl, smell, tip and sip the stuff. I
suddenly pause and look over at my fellow sampler and say, “there’s something unnerving about this”.
Friend - “Witness”
I have a friend who is also known as my “witness”. She is what I describe as a "dangerous proposition", someone blessed with the big 3 - beauty,
brains and humor. She lives on the other side of the country now, and for the most part serves as a receptacle for my thoughts - new and recycled. I
write to her in journal form. Our relationship is curious. Before she moved we would go to a movie and then dinner. She is as I said a beauty, and
in so many ways!
And with that I am able to revive the smell of the perfume that she wore on those nights that we would go out. With her it was always sight and
smell, yet never an advancing touch. Although, I believe we have “touched” each other.
A couple "Witness-isms"
"You will find the person you are meant to be with, but you are not going to find her here!"
"Whatever you were thinking -
it is not what you were thinking".
What is it that I’m thinking?
OK thoughts! Line up and look “smart” you hear - do you hear?!
< On this one, picture a “basic training” scene where the drill sergeant is reviewing the recruits>
OK Thought #1, you ain’t number one you’re a mess, a total disgrace, what the hell where you thinking?! And Thought #2, I don’t believe you can
think? Thought #3 what do you have to think about this?
All the “thoughts” are lined up alright, but they haven’t a clue to what they are thinking………..
Jealousy the shadow of greed
I’m fighting that “greedy” feeling baby! Get out - Get the hell out, ya here! Talk about a weed that would choke out all that is beautiful; all that is
fruitful. The potential is obvious, as the weed gains strength, the beauty remains translucent and fragile; the fruit, small, immature and bitter!
Motivation
Motivation has escaped me, and it seems a though I am not in any big hurry to track it down!
Ambition
What a strong word - ambition. But then again, words ending in tion generally carry a bit more bite? Screw it! I’m looking up the definition.
Ambition: *1) a strong desire for fame, power, etc. 2) the thing so desired. Actually, this is not what I had in mind. But wait! Look here at
AMBITIOUS: 2) Demanding great effort *definitions courtesy of “Webster‘s “. I know what you’re thinking; there He goes into “filler” mode. Give me a
break! If you haven’t figured this out by now, this web page is all about “filler”. It’s My Time and welcome to it! Alright then - now I’m really spinning,
because it sure as hell shouldn't take any “great effort” to sort my time in a positive manner; freshen myself up and tug up a fresh pair of undies.
Great effort I’ll show you!
Fragile
Time out for a word that is clear to my understanding and with that conjures up many things: realities, beauty, balance…..etc…I do sense my mind to
be settling into a fragile state. A realm of doubt and fa fa fa fa fear (and the “Cowardly Lion” once again makes a cameo appearance across my
wide screen psyche). Interesting how a body can be strengthened with a combination of proper diet, exercise and determination; so too the mind –
yes? Yet, the mind is not so easily manipulated as the flesh, bones, and all the compliments enclosed in the body that carries the “thinker”; pressure
cooker; noodle (the kitchen theme is working - no?)….. The mind can run away! I feel like my body is trying to catch up to my mind. Not catch up
with, as this is far too risky and I would probably boil over at some point. I just want to get up there next to it long enough to put a lasso around it,
and back it down to an easy trot.
Different paths
We have been, are and will be forever challenged to find our place together. We walk down different paths now, no longer hand in hand but still
bound by family. The tears flow free as I watch you travel further away from the path where I stand, and know you less as my forever love - to know
you less as a person.
It often seems as a dream (Leave it to me to ignore the "realities" time and time again).
Reality did break through for a time late last night, as I was struggling to find the "right" words. Yes, a moment of clarity! I came to the
understanding that a lot of the pain and sadness I feel is a postpartum/delayed re-action from not one divorce, but two; my parents and now ours.
I'm feeling not only the sadness and abandonment of a child who grew up through the separation of his parents, but now the guilt of letting it happen
again. And odd as it may seem, when I think of the friendship/relatiofriendships that are in your life, I flash back to my mother and the suitors that
were in her life as a single mother. Strange? But I'm telling you my parent's divorce screwed me up more than I ever knew. Definitely a
component in the bomb I planted under our marriage.
I must stay focused on doing my "best" . I must re-dedicate myself to the well-being of our children. And I must have faith in a friendship
between you and me; for even though our paths are not the same, we must not travel too far away that our voices cannot me heard, or our
feelings not cared for.
I pray for the courage to accept the things that I cannot change ("serenity" may or may not come later)
Love -
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